Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What's an archeologist?
Someone whose career is in ruins.
What does a king do when he burps?
He issues a royal pardon.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb in a tree and act like a nut.
How do you have a party in outer space?
You plan-et.
What kind of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?
Iceberg.
Why would you take a hammer to bed?
So you could hit the sack.
I tried to make the wife laugh last night by telling her puns. I told her ten puns but the first one didn't make her laugh, nor the second; in fact no pun in ten did.
:getmecoat:
Quote from: BlueBall;248392I tried to make the wife laugh last night by telling her puns. I told her ten puns but the first one didn't make her laugh, nor the second; in fact no pun in ten did.
:getmecoat:
:lmfao: oi what style.. :D
Two aerials met on a rootop, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
William Shakespear walks in to a bar
The landlord shouts
"Get out ya Bard!"
This morning, the wife served me breakfast in her slippers, I told her I'd prefer a plate next time,
When the postman called, she opened the door in her nightdress, funny place for a door
I'm done!
John Cleese's Three Rules of Comedy:
1. No puns.
2. No puns.
3. No puns.
That is all. :narnar:
Some I got in an email (may require knowledge of scottish dialect :D)
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' Jimmy replies.
'Aye, me an' aw...'
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear!' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke.