SKY have just won the rights to screen the World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.....
...ITV Digital did have the rights, but they folded.
Beat that. :lol:
QuoteBeat that. :lol:
Ok, I challenge you with this very very funny crank call mp3. Its more funny than a very funny thing that has just graduated from the univeristy of laughter.
ftp://ftp.crosswired.co.uk/Impoundlotblues.mp3 (ftp://ftp.crosswired.co.uk/Impoundlotblues.mp3)
You failed miserably.
That is soooooo funny how can it possibly be worse than mine?
QuoteBeat that. :lol:
There are 2 wise men and another one who wanted to become one also. One of the wise men became hungry and the closest store was across a lake he said, "I'll just take the short way." he says a little prayer then walks across the water to the store. When he came back another one of the wise men became thirsty so he said a little prayer then walked across the water too get a pop. When he returned the guy who wanted to become a wiseman had to go to the bathroom. He said a little prayer then tried to walk across the water and drowned then one wiseman said to the other, "think we should have told him where the rocks were?"
well did i? :D
QuoteBeat that. :lol:
OR how about this one :lol:
Q:What did the judge say when the skunk entered the courtroom?
A:Odor in the court!!!
:?:
Q: What travels at 120mph across the lake bed?
A: A motor-pike.
Q: What travels at 85mph across the lake bed?
A: A motor-pike with side-carp.
Eyethangyew.
Yep, Dogmeat wins the crap joke award :-)
Q: How many men does it take to open a can of lager ?
A:None, the bitch should've opened it on the way
Apologies to offended parties but i saw it on a t-shirt in cornwall and i nearly spat me pasty all over it.
I like the comment of "Nearly" :twisted:
What is white and stands in a corner?
A naughty ambulance :lol:
> A farmer goes out into his field one morning only to find all his cows
> frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
>
> It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would
> happen. The severity of the situation then dawned on him. With his
> entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his
> wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his
> hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
> Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old
> lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
> predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and
> began
> to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch
> and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
> One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full
>
> of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she
> wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off
> across the field.
> A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
> "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
> "No," said the farmer.
> "That was,....... Thora Hird," replied the passer-by.
>
.
old now holds the accolade,
thanks for wasting a min of my life reading that :lol:
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men
say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly, "In this country we don`t talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin` abouta sexa? I`m a justa tellin` my frienda how to spella `Mississippi`."
ROFL, thats quite good.
Stan the shark is swimming down Barrier Reef Street when a gang of lobsters jump out of an alley and wrestle hime to the sea bed. "Charlie da Crab sez youse owe him!" says the lobster gang leader, "Youse got one hour and then we gotta make some shark fin soup...". The lobsters let Stan up and he swims off down the street.
Half an hour later Stan sneaks into the King Neptune Memorial Hospital, steals a doctor's coat and heads for intensive care. Stealthily swimming from room to room, Stan finally sees what he's looking for and after a brief struggle, stuff his hapless victim into a sack concealed beneath his coat and slips out of the hospital.
With barely two minutes left before the deadline, Stan swims into Charlie's Diner and finds Charlie da Crab sitting in the back room, playing pool.
Stan lifts the sack onto the pool table, loosens the rope around the neck and empties the contents for Charlie's inspection. Lying there coughing and weakly struggling on the pool table, five tentacles in plaster casts and an IV drip still trailing from one another, lies the infamous supergrass, Colin "Squealer" Calamaris.
"Here ya go Charlie," says Stan, "there's the sick squid I owe ya, ya shellfish bastard..."
Very good stryker with call in about the shit....that was class
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying.
"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm
married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Fancy Dress party, and my name is Kevin."
Dogger's squidery shennagins reminds me of this variant:
A man and his wife go to a seafood resturant for their anniversary. They sit down and up comes the waiter. "Ello, My name is Chevais and i am your waiter for this evening.."
After a quick perusal of the menu they decide to go for the squid. The waiter takes their order and brings them the tank containing the squids and asks them to choose the one they'd like.
Lolling about at the back is a green one that despite it's colour looks delicious, but strangley has a hare-lip. Man points at the squid and tells the waiter they'd like that one. Okey dokey pig inna pokey he says, and carts it off to the kitchen.
Once in the kitchen the chef pulls the chosen squid out and is about to kill it when a tear rolls down from the squid's eye. He tries again and raises the knife but again a tear appears.
"Chevais, please come and kill this squid" says chef. Chevais grabs the knife and is about to kill it, but suddenly sees a tear roll from the squid's eye all the way down to it's hare-lip. He can't do it.
"Hans!" he says, calling over the hard-looking german dishwasher, "kill this squid for the chef please, i just can't do it"
Hans roughly picks up the squid and is about to kill it, but once more a tear drops from the squid. He puts it down and joins Chevais sobbing in the corner.
As no-one can bring themselves to kill it, the chef has to go and inform the couple who ordered it.
"So sorry" he says "but you cannot have the squid"
"Why not?" ask the couple.
He says "Because Hans that do dishes, is as soft as Chevais, with mild green harey-lipped squid"
Taxi!!
That taxi better get there fast. That was trooly awful!
QuoteThat taxi better get there fast. That was trooly awful!
i hope so too :D It is quite possibly the worst joke i know. Just remembered another, which might not qualify as quite as piss poor as the previous, but it does hold a special place in my heart for it's veracity:
This bloke dies, he's been a pillar of the community, done good and great things, given generously whenever he could and generally been a thoroughly good and lovely person for all of his life.
Gets up to Heaven and Peter welcomes him and says "Ah, good to see you my friend. Please come with me, God wants to meet you and congratulate you on leading such a commendable existence. So off they trundle off to God's office to meet the Big Man.
"What a delight it is to meet you. You have lived a truly righteous life" says God, "I want to offer you something as a token of my appreciation. You can ask for anything, except your mortal existence, in Heaven or on Earth and I, with all me godly powers, shall grant it".
"How nice" says bloke, "Anything?" he asks.
"Anything" says God.
Bloke thinks for a bit and then says "Well, i've always wanted to see a great big bridge built, all the way from Ireland to the USA"
God shuffles uncomfortably and is a little disappointed that out of anything he could have the bloke chooses a TANGOing bridge.
"Umm, isn't there anything a little more spiritual you can think of, something for the good of Mankind for instance, perhaps?" asks God
"Oh, right, right, ok" says bloke, and thinks a bit harder. Not long after his face brightens and he says "i've got it!"
"Shoot" says God
"I would dearly love to be able to
really understand women, to know what
really goes on inside their heads."
God frowns, ponders for a second and then says "So, what colour do want this bridge then....?"
Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party
of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"
"F*%$ the kids!" said the minister, heading out.
"Do you think we have time?" said the priest.
ROFL Benny .......ooops does this make me sound kinda sick ?????
A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the Barman.
"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by the
railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her
back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top
sometimes, her on top!"
"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"I dunno" replied the bloke, "I never found her head."
ROFL That one's going to all my mate.
QuoteROFL That one's going to all my mate.
Still only one? We must do something about that :lol:
QuoteROFL That one's going to all my mate.
Very good Doorman but this forum is for crap jokes only :-)
Crap jokes eh, ok, howabout
QuoteJeremy Beadle has an unusually small d1ck, but on the other hand it's quite
big.
or
QuoteTwo Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the
bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in
dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does
and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge
and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."
============ PART TWO ===================
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and
he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of
the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is
carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the
edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the
gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until
there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat freefall
parrotshooting nider."
========= PART THREE ==================
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has
been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you fockin
hengliding"
:lol: Brightened up my day nicely. Thanks.
Benny, you're posting those in the wrong forum - this one is for crap jokes...
Q: Why can't you get any aspirin in the jungle?
A: 'Cause the parrots eat 'em all...
:roll:
now that is crap doggers..... I dont even get it.... the joke that is.
better ask doorman and his mate :-)
Nah, we don't get it either. :(
sorry sorry sorry
ok...
What do you call a monkey with a stick of dynamite up it's TANGO?
Baboom?
is that better?
Not a lot. But don't let that stop you. :D
QuoteNah, we don't get it either. :(
Paracetamol. Parrots eat 'em all.
/
:roll: :stupid:
Yep you win hands down that was definetly SHIT!!
QuoteQuoteNah, we don't get it either. :(
Paracetamol. Parrots eat 'em all.
/
:roll: :stupid:[/b]
He didn't say bloody paracetemol, he said ASPIRIN. :roll: :roll: :o|:
tum ti tum, next...
A man is wandering through the desert. He hasn't had any water for days
and is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he comes across three market
stalls set up in the desert.
He crawls up to the first one. "Water, water! Give me water!" he cries.
"I'm sorry," says the first stall holder, "I sell nothing but custard."
The man crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water!Give me water!" he
cries.
"I'm sorry," says the second stall holder, "I sell nothing but cream
and sponge."
The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water! Give me water!" he
cries.
"I'm sorry," says the third stall holder, "I sell nothing but hundreds
and thousands."
"I can't believe none of you has any water," says the man.
"I know," says the third stall holder, "it is a trifle bazaar..."
Benny, Benny, :cry:
LOL that was far to funny for this THREAD.... got to the corner and face the wall! :lol:
OK, so I get a lot of crap through my mail during the day, and I'm not busy at the mo' so...I'm gonna do one piss poor joke, then an alright one...christ I'm bored.....when are you going to ban me from this forum? :D
Quote
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant,
and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try
artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what
this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet
how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead,
lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has
sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning he wakes
and looks out at the pigs.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first
try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to
the woods, does each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes
to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing
around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in
the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is
honking the horn."
Quote
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be
her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous. They all sit
down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets
out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the
poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's
father looked over at the dog which had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later, the woman had to let another one rip. This time, she
didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle
blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her before she sh*ts on you!"
Better, much better. :D
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (I.e., 20mph over the limit),
I passed over a bridge only to find a copper with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all knowand love, asked,"What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work.""Oh yeah," said the copper, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The copper was staggered,"A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?""Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied,
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: £95.00
Court Costs: £45.00
The Look on that Copper's Face: PRICELESS!!!
What's Important To Men ....
1- It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2- It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3- It is important to find a woman that enjoys having sex.
4- It is important that these three women never meet. 8)
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the
Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf",says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you TANGO off, I'm trying to take a shit!"
QuoteLittle Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the
Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf",says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...
"Will you TANGO off, I'm trying to take a shit!"
:lol: ROTFLMAO ... :thumbsup:
Tried to call the wife the other day from a phone box but put my Donor Card in instead of my phone card.
Fkin call cost me an arm and a leg. :lol:
Measured about a 7.5 on the Snigger-ometer :D
TL. 8)
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He
said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a
couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a
fire at the factory that makes them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie Kray.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I
go out the night
before and shoot the fox.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I
rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make
a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to
me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said
"Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of
Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk
about cleaning your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a
nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He
said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for
example Goran, even he's a witch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster"
so thats a cut n paste job there hugh benny
A man walked into a Doctors office. He had a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
The doctor looked at him and said, "You're not eating properly."
omg they juts keep on comming
Two Palestinian girls are walking down a street in Jerusalem wearing their flowing robes. One turns to the other and says 'Does my bomb look big in this?
Princess Di sees the Queen mother walking in through the gates of heaven and says "You took your time". To which the Queen Mum replies "Shut up and wipe that merc off your face."
There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit.
In Tillit is a pub called "The Cockwell Inn".
The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes.
Her address is:-
Miss Lucy Likes
The Cockwell Inn
Tillit
Herts.
QuoteTwo Palestinian girls are walking down a street in Jerusalem wearing their flowing robes. One turns to the other and says 'Does my bomb look big in this?
ROTFLMAO !! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Now THAT was funny!
TL. 8)
Seriously one of the least funny jokes I have ever heard. Told to me in the pub this lunchtime. Apologies in advance............
After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate.
He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds a suitable establishment.
After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman.
'£100' she replies
'I can't afford that, I only have 50p'
'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p'
'But please help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years.... I need a woman... any woman!'
The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself.
'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the hallway.'
Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23.
He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc.
'How do you want me luv?'
'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!'
When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs.
'Yuck, I ain't doing that'
'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies
'Ok' says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours.
'Oh my god... you have shit all over your TANGO.. that's sick'
'Well there is one more way we can do this.'
'Is there?' he asks
'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your dick in there... go on!'
He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard.
Minutes later he orgasms violently.
'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?'
'Great... when will you be in town next?'
'In about 2-3 years time!'
'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!'
My joke was so bad I killed the thread :(
oh no did you hear about the two ships that crashed?
the red ship and the blue ship! the crew were marooned!
oh my...
how could u
thats terrible
well you wanted piss-poor :)
I though my offering was aweful but mine pail into insignificance compaired to that one. :wink:
whats the fastest cake in the world?
scone
whats the second fastest cake in the world?
meringue
oh dear god someone put an end to this forum and stop encouraging me! :P
why do dogs lick their nads?
cos they know they'll be licking your face soon after
OK. I give up. Someone explain the meringue joke please :oops:
yeah the dog one I get .......but the meringue one ????? :oops:
wow that works on so many levels .....lol.....i think .....no not sure now ......whats the middle bit again........emmm give up ........i dont get it..... :roll:
2 nuns in a bath one says to the other where's the soap?
the other says it does doesn't it :santa2:
scone sounds like gone
meringue, say it really fast it sounds like .... i dunno a car going past really quick
these jokes are bad enough when you tell them to someone but i guess they're even worse when typed out :?
but at least ive now made 'chocolate balloon' status with my crappy jokes
did you hear about the blind circumciser?
he got the sack 8O
ewww
:lol:
Quotedid you hear about the blind circumciser?
he got the sack 8O
ewww
*shudder*
what do you call a spaniard whos had his car stolen?
carlos
sorry...im so sorry :oops:
Micheal Barrymore is trying to make a comeback this Christmas, he's looking at panto, he's had an offer to play the genie in one..
but he's already done Aladdin.
apparantly barrymore is also starring in a show called 'only pools and corpses'
shoot me now :oops:
GOOD one
:lol: :lol: :lol:
To be read with german accent:
Two peanuts was walking down the road and one was assaulted.
QuoteTo be read with german accent:
Two peanuts was walking down the road and one was assaulted.
Yup, that's piss poor :-)
:D
you got me there for a few secs I was looking round for the punchline S.
:D
Actually it is a joke from Monty Pythons Flying Circus ... but it is still piss poor.
Here's my first attempt at a PPJoke.
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party
official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man
quietly replied...
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".
:D
You've heard about Barry the Brown nose Reindeer?
He's just like Rudolph, only he can't stop as quick.
ROFL
that is truly awful, well done :D
lol. i was and still am chuckling to my self about the mental image of a row of raindear with there noses up eachothers asses
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field when suddenly out of nowhere he was hit in the face by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to control his mount and pulled back into the lead only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies.
Using all his skill he managed once again to steer his horse back to the front of the field when, on the run in, he took a blow to the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pud.
He still managed to come in second but went immediately to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered. :lol:
The priest has to pee so he asks the janitor to cover the confessional.
"But Father what do I do?"
"Don't worry, it's easy no one can see you in the booth. If the
transgression is minimal give them one Hail Mary and shake your head once, if it's a bit more serious, two head shakes and maybe two Hail Marys."
Off goes the Priest, janitor's in the booth, and a lovely young woman shows up and sits down.
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Last night I gave a stranger a blow
job."
Totally unhinged the janitor says" Wait just a minute my dear I'll be right
back." He runs out and finds an altar boy. "Hey what does the Priest usually give for a blow job?"
"usually a bag of M&M's and a Coke."
QuoteRiding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field when suddenly out of nowhere he was hit in the face by a turkey and a string of sausages.............snip.......................He still managed to come in second but went immediately to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered. :lol:
Now that was seriously terrible :lol:
TL. 8)
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the sea....?
Bob!!
wdycamw...
...a seagull on his head? Cliff
...a slice of bacon on his head? Ahmed
...two slices of bacon on his head? Mohammed
...two slices of bacon on his head but he has palsy? Sheik Mohammed
that was bad, truly bad :lol:
wdycam
......in a paper bag? Russell
there are more but I'm having a blank moment and can't think of any. its probably the horror of how bad the jokes in here are has caused my brain to shut down! :cry:
Needless to say the more choice ones will be inflicted on my work mates, I see no reason that I should suffer alone!! :twisted:
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about
famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of
these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever
composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd
like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,
looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says "I'll be Bach."
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears
a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards him,
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the coffin bouncing
quickly behind him...
faster...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him...
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin
clapping
...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man.... .
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps...
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something , anything ... his hand
comes to rest on a large bottle of Benelyn
Desperate, he throws the Benelyn as hard as he can at the apparition.......
and ...........
Finally ...........
.......................the coffin stops
that is truley auful
This is bad
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when
suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out 'Oh big boy,
whip me, whip me!' The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he
opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the
girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks 'Did you get these marks
having sex?' The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she
did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, 'I thought so, because in
all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease
that I've ever seen.'
a fantastic selection of bad jokes can be found here:
http://www.dullmen.com/dumb.htm (http://www.dullmen.com/dumb.htm)
the best has to be :D
Q: how many dull men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: one
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. What are you
going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up
there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the
gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage
in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the
homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"
ROFL Oldie
:lol: :lol:
nice one oldie ........
one to use at the pub methinks !
A woman walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says.
"Come again?" says the assistant, cupping his ear.
"No," she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
100 replays 2 this post now!
ps thast bad
with all the **** jokes I've been posting I came across this ancient thread and felt it was worth bringing back to life :D
Some crackers in here :roflmao:
Quote from: Benny;5473A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the Barman.
"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by the
railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her
back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top
sometimes, her on top!"
"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"I dunno" replied the bloke, "I never found her head."
That must be the twisted most sickest and baddest joke EVER!!!
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Quote
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you fockin
hengliding"
Thats a excellent joke, why is it in this topic? :S
edit: Seems to me Benny is the king of bad jokes, since he postet the most worst jokes to this thread :P
took me about 40 mins to read em all, but it was worth it :D
Now that bennie has been made king of the bad jokes, i wanna see if i can outclass him with my jokes:
First of, a true story of a young college girl who passed away last month.
QuoteHer name was Priya. She was hit by a lorry. She has a boy friend named Shankar.
Both of them are true lovers. They always hang on the phone. You can never see her without her handphone. In fact she also changed her phone from Airtel to Hutch, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost.
She spends half of the day talking with shankar. Priya’s family knows about
their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya’s family. (just imagine
their love) . Before she passed away she always told her friends “If I pass
away please burn me with my handphone†she also said the same thing to her parents.
After her death, people cant carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them
tried to do so but still cant , everybody including me, had tried to carry
the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called their
neighbour, a “bomoh†from Thailand (pak Darin), who is a friend of her
father. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few
minutes, he said “this girl misses something hereâ€. then her friends told
Darin about her intentions to burn her with her phone. He then opened the
coffin and place her phone and SIM card inside the casket. after that they
tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the
van easily. All of us were shocked. (can u feel the fear. I’m shaking at
this moment)
Priya’s parents did not inform Shankar that Priya had passed away. After 2
weeks Shankar called Priya’s mom. Shankar :….â€Atte, I’m coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Dont tell Priya that I’m coming home today, i wanna surprise her.†Her mother replied…..â€You come home first, i wanna tell you something very important.†after he came, they told him the truth about Priya.
Shankar thinks that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said “dont try to fool me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her Please stop this nonsenseâ€. then they show him the original death certificate to him.
They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat) ..
He said… “Its not true. we spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Shankar
was shaking. Suddenly, Shankar’s phone rang. “see this is from Priya, see
this…†he showed the phone to priya’s family. all of them told him to
answer.he talked using the loudspeaker mode. all of them heard his
conversation.
Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It is the actual voice of Priya
& there is no way others could use her SIM card since it is nailed inside
the coffin they were so shocked and asked for pak Darin’s help again. pak
Darin brought his master (tok Chen) to solve this matter. He & Darin worked
for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing…
HUTCH has the best coverage (http://funnyjoke.wordpress.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
Wherever you go, our network follows!!!!
and as desert some horrificly bad Yo mamma jokes:
Yo Mamma is so poor:
Quote … she can't afford to pay attention!
… when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
… her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
… she drives a peanut.
… when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
… she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
… she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
… she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
… your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
… when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
That 1st one is the worst I've ever heard, and I've posted one or two stinkers:crying:
Quote from: Benny;5473A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the Barman.
"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by the
railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her
back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top
sometimes, her on top!"
"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"I dunno" replied the bloke, "I never found her head."
Quote from: Benny;5378Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party
of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"
"F*%$ the kids!" said the minister, heading out.
"Do you think we have time?" said the priest.
Quote from: OldBloke;5328A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying.
"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm
married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Fancy Dress party, and my name is Kevin."
These are just wrong :blink:
:roflmao:Worryingly enough, still tickled my funny bone. :roflmao:
Chelsea are sponsored by Viagra next year.
Hoping they'll be able to get past a semi.
Did you know? they aren't going to grow bananas any longer...
cuz they're long enough already. :flirty:
omg... im ill... i laughed at your bad joke lumi.....:g:
hmmm mebay its time for the weekend to begin:rolleyes:
Worryingly i lolled at a few! :roflmao: Heres a classic bad one.
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
I didn't do it on porpoise.
A man walked into a pharmacy and up to the young lady pharmacist.
"Do you sell Viagra?", he enquires.
"Yes, we do." replies the pharmacist.
"Does it really work?", asks the man.
"Yes.", she answered.
"And can I get it over the counter?" he continues.
"Probably, if you took two of them!" replied the pharmacist.
:lmfao: