Here's some humour for those with kids and a warning to those who plan to date this weekend :D
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a parcel, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate on this point: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. Trust me, if you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Forth Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like washing my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Mid-winter football games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, all-powerful and merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. I play PCS every evening and it takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a helicopter coming in over the dunes on de_afghanistan. When my Gulf War Syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. Therefore as soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Please then speak the perimeter password and announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face with the scoped AWM peering at you from the window is mine. :twisted:
Muhahahahahahaha..............
TL. 8)
QuoteRule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, all-powerful and merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
i like that bit :)
i will be taking a copy of these rules my daughter is 11 now i think iam gonna need em soon
QuoteWhen my Gulf War Syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
I suffer from GWS and I have to admit that I see myself here :-(. Good article though. I have saved it for ideas in the future :twisted:
In case anybody is worried, no offence taken. The one thing I do have left is a sense of humour (Geezus I wouldn't hang around with a mad bunch like you if I didn't :-))
QuoteIn case anybody is worried, no offence taken. The one thing I do have left is a sense of humour (Geezus I wouldn't hang around with a mad bunch like you if I didn't )
It's funny that you spend time with people in this etherland and not really know to whom we are relating. Apart from the folks who actually do know each other, we form an idea or image of folk and not know a damned thing about them. I'll bet that the smile froze on the faces of all who read your reply. It did on mine. Top man BlueBall.
Now, someone put the bloody music back on. :D
Aye. What Doorman said. :thumbsup:
The sentiments from everybody (both here and the PMs) is much appreciated. Now will somebody please slag off my boring desktop before I blub? :cry:
See you on the 'hook m8s
This follows on TeaLeaf's sound advice to lads.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl told her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.
"I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!" The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!†The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a TANGOing pharmacist!!"
He obviously didn't do his homework.
so TL do u have a pic of ur daughter then???
Quoteso TL do u have a pic of ur daughter then???
oooh!!!
I volunteer to fiil sheepy's dead man's boots as team leader :-)
If anyone touches my six year old daughter they'll have many other people seeking them, besides me.
But let me cordially reassure you that I WILL be the first one to get you. And our time together may terminally affect your health :x
TL. 8)
/me waits in anticipation for sheepys grovelling reply :lol: :lol:
hehe get him TL go on hes been saying stuff about your missus aswell ...honest
[bigwoodenspoon]stirstir[/bigwoodenspoon]
Best to stop right there.
rrruuuuuuunnnn sheeeeeepppeyyy ruuuuunnnn :lol:
Did you make up the last two yourself then? :) Very good.
(If anyone's interested, the original 8 Simple Rules is at W Bruce Cameron's website (http://www.wbrucecameron.com). Look under "Columns".)
- CiM
u never said she was 6 i thought that she would [hopefully] be 3times that age
someone take the shovel away, before he digs a hole so big he'll never get out again!
twat the twat Tea_Leaf :biggrin:
ROFL ... :lol: Plain but true
Quoteu never said she was 6 i thought that she would [hopefully] be 3times that age
That's not a bad attempt at a recovery Sheepy. Now this is the part where TL should graciously acceed that you made a genuine mistake so that when he twats you from behind with a shovel in a dark alley we do not realise it has he wot did it:-)
If Sheepy looks anything like his Avatar it's a bit late for that......looks like somebody got there first!! :lol: :lol: