>The Ten-Minute Two Towers
>
>by Molly J. Ringwraith
>Story Notes: I LOVED this movie. Deeply, truly. Please
>keep that on record. But I have to write parody for
>everything, so here goes.
>
>
>
>CARADHRAS
>
>GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three
>miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain?
>
>BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give
>up.
>
>GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something
>white. White is supposed to be the new black this
>year...
>
>EMYN MUIL
>
>SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM
>stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders.
>
>
>SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.
>
>FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?
>
>SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...
>
>FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.
>
>GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.
>
>SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!
>
>SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.
>
>GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky
>hobbitses.
>
>FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you
>sicko.
>
>GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase,
>maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes
>yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty
>hobbitses?
>
>SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You
>know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner.
>
>RIDDERMARK
>
>EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An
>elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark...
>
>LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this
>git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it!
>That's one of my favorites.
>
>ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a
>couple little guys, about this high..?
>
>EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of
>corpses we burned.
>
>ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful...
>
>EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.
>
>FANGORN FOREST
>
>MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!
>
>PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.
>
>TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!
>
>TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them
>off.
>
>FANGORN FOREST (next day)
>
>GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?
>
>ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!
>
>LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial _expression from the
>joy
>of it!
>
>EDORAS
>
>MOLLY: A lot of political maneuvering takes place
>here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or
>less.
>
>THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak
>for myself.
>
>GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
>
>GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your
>smooth complexion and your senses!
>
>THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's
>dead.
>
>GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
>
>ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and
>skedaddle to Helm's Deep.
>
>EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
>
>ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
>
>EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint,
>hint.
>
>ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.
>
>EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP
>
>LEGOLAS: Wargs!
>
>LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and
>jumping onto horses.
>
>GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?
>
>LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.
>
>ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl
>contingent, shrieking in delight at his
>horseback-riding tricks.
>
>GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out!
>Cliff!
>
>ARAGORN falls off cliff.
>
>LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER
>facial _expression!
>
>ITHILIEN
>
>SAM: Gollum is such a freak.
>
>FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk.
>
>SAM: What? He IS a freak.
>
>FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your
>whine?
>
>SAM: Why are you picking on me?
>
>FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always
>nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you
>know.
>
>SAM: What the HELL?
>
>FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.
>
>SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to
>stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing...
>
>FRODO: Oh, spare me.
>
>FRODO stomps off.
>
>RIVENDELL
>
>ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on
>top of him.
>
>ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.
>
>ARWEN: Why do you say that?
>
>ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN
>this book.
>
>ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy.
>
>ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's
>not really you licking my face, I have the awful
>suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli.
>
>HELM'S DEEP
>
>ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS.
>
>LEGOLAS: Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are
>NOT wearing THAT to the battle tonight, are you? And
>your HAIR! What will we DO with you?
>
>ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too.
>
>RIVENDELL
>
>GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?
>
>ELROND: Yes, speaking.
>
>GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel.
>
>ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?
>
>GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be?
>Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo.
>
>ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately.
>
>GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do.
>
>ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wiener, I'm
>not even sure I want him to marry my daughter...
>
>GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello,
>greaseball.
>
>ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt?
>Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another
>telepathy call.
>
>GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond?
>
>GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?
>
>ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!
>
>GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy
>calling? I hate that.
>
>ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey,
>didn't you die or something?
>
>GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen.
>There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep.
>
>GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?
>
>GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.
>
>GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll
>send Haldir or something. He's expendable.
>
>HELM'S DEEP
>
>LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds
>of people will die.
>
>ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
>
>LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.
>
>ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be
>king.
>
>LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass.
>
>ARAGORN: Hey, blow me.
>
>(Ten minutes later)
>
>LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that.
>
>ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither.
>
>LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?
>
>ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very
>special way?
>
>FANGORN FOREST
>
>PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's
>shoulders...
>
>MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't
>even want to imagine.
>
>ITHILIEN
>
>SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches.
>
>GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like
>thisss!
>
>SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor.
>
>GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and
>lavender, yess, precious.
>
>FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the
>forest.
>
>SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be
>good with this, is a basic bechamel sauce with some
>dill.
>
>GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel.
>Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes...
>
>FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming.
>
>SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make
>crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it
>with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney...
>
>FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!
>
>GOLLUM: Where?
>
>SAM: Where?
>
>FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out
>the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us?
>
>FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them
>home.
>
>FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away.
>
>HELM'S DEEP
>
>ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy
>people at the gate. They have bows.
>
>ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.
>
>ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that.
>
>PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
>
>GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short.
>
>LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you
>are!
>
>HENNETH ANNUN
>
>FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?
>
>FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.
>
>FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?
>
>SAM: His gardener.
>
>FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind
>of way?
>
>SAM: Exactly.
>
>FRODO: Righ-What??
>
>HELM'S DEEP
>
>ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor
>people...
>
>LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail
>you.
>
>ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience.
>
>GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me!
>
>ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time?
>
>GIMLI: Yes! Toss me!
>
>ARAGORN: Look, I don't think about you that way...
>
>GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!
>
>FANGORN FOREST
>
>TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a damn
>thing.
>
>PIPPIN: I didn't expect that.
>
>PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
>
>MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!
>
>PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees,
>Merry.
>
>MERRY: Am I? Thanks.
>
>TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home.
>
>PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes
>at him.
>
>MERRY: Good plan. I know I sure can't resist you when
>you do that. (winks at PIPPIN)
>
>PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take
>us south, pleeeease?
>
>TREEBEARD: Ooom....Damn it, hoom...how can I say no to
>those eyes.
>
>OSGILIATH
>
>FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top
>of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM
>pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.
>
>FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it-this time I'm cutting your
>throat.
>
>SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were
>going to give the Ring to that Nazgul...
>
>FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning
>experiment.
>
>SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it.
>
>FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude.
>
>FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a
>speech.
>
>SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's
>what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time,
>but down here, it's OUR time...
>
>ISENGARD
>
>TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's
>place.
>
>TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK!
>
>MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the
>world.
>
>PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that.
>
>SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen
>children will one day live in a Shire where they will
>not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the
>content of their character...
>
>HELM'S DEEP
>
>GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come
>charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army.
>EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN
>all cheer.
>
>ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally!
>
>GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back.
>
>ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough.
>
>SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long
>remember what we say here, but it can never forget
>what they did here. It is for us the living rather to
>be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they
>who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced...
>
>FRODO (V.O.): Um...Sam...
>
>ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool,
>though...
>
>EOWYN: What?
>
>ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the
>Orcs who are running away.
>
>AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool.
>
>ISENGARD
>
>TREEBEARD: Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We
>can't be two places at once.
>
>OSGILIATH
>
>SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only
>thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless,
>unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed
>efforts to-
>
>FRODO: SAM!!
>
>SAM: What?
>
>FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on.
>
>SAM: Oh. Oh, good.
>
>EN ROUTE TO MORDOR
>
>SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo
>the Incredibly Cute.
>
>FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on
>me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I
>guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered.
>
>SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way?
>
>FRODO: Yes?
>
>SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very
>hot.
>
>FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special
>shoulder-squeeze for that.
>
>SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn?
>
>FRODO: Yeah. You like it?...
>
>GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)...Kill...(mumble)...death to
>hobbits...(mumble mumble)...feed them to
>HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain,
>suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill
>hobbitses...(mumble) ...she will destroy hobbitses...
>
>PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) "SHE"? Did
>he say "she", and "her"? Who's "SHE"?
>
>PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: SHUT UP!
>
>--end--
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