-=[dMw]=- Financial Matters

[TeaLeaf]

Prior to the first publication of our new 'dMw Financial Matters' periodical we thought it would be great to issue a summary of some of the commonly used financial terminology.

EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor.
EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: corporate fraud officer.
NAV: normal Andersen valuation.
FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
P/E: parole entitlement.
EPS: eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no s*x.
MOMENTUM INVESTING -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY" -- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you
step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for £240 per
share.
WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ £240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.
PROFIT -- Religious guy who talks to God

Any suggestions for first issue articles would be greatly appreciated.

The Financial Editor.