Bad Jokes Here!

[Jamoe]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing  a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the  shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two  counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'  I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the  splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays  or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman  Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

[T-Bag]

Ha, those were much better than the title made me suspect. Nice one.

[Browne]

My 2 pennies:

Wife served me breakfast in her slippers this morning. I told her I'd prefer a plate.

Wife opened the door to the postman in her nightdress. Funny place for a door, even funnier place for a postman.

[Jewelz^]

What happens if a frog stops on double yellow lines? Its gets toad.

[Thulsa Doom]

My wife gave me a Kermit the Frog puppet for my Birthday.  I said "why did you give me this?".  She said "Last night during sex, I asked you what you wanted for your Birthday, and you said 'a muppet' ".

[Penfold]

My wife gave me a Kermit the Frog puppet for my Birthday.  I said "why did you give me this?".  She said "Last night during sex, I asked you what you wanted for your Birthday, and you said 'a muppet' ".

:blink:

[DannagE]

:blink:

I think you have to say it slowly and with a funny accent. "a muppet" ... 'am up it'

These are very Tommy Cooper stylee

[Penfold]

:frusty:

[Toxteth]

Stewart Francis (IMO) is a hilarious one liner comedian.

[Lameduck]

Stewart Francis (IMO) is a hilarious one liner comedian.

Very funny :roflmao:
I've not seen him before but well worth a listen:D