NTL

[Browne]

You guys have probably seen this before, but i am assured (never mind by whom) that it is a genuine piece of work.

Dear Cretins,
 
 I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
 three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
 not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
 monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so
 that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
 rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
 have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
 smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
 
 My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
 spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat *****waiting for your
 technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
 listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
 Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
 
 I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
 an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
 rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
 the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
 drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
 arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six
 weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
 
 I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between
 about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting
 for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your
 no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
 disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock
 jugglers.
 
 I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
 will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will
 call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or
 not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
 transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine
 informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to
 someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
 woman...and several other variations on this theme.
 
 Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
 thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
 those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
 care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in
 print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
 therefore, if I continue.
 
 I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
 god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
 disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
 their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
 anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
 my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower
 of *******s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
 rectum incompetents of the highest order.
 
 British Telecom - ****ers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
 of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
 inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
 foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
 you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
 services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
 deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
 disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
 I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
 tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
 your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
 desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
 posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
 experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
 very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
 
 Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
 irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
 
 
 John

[suicidal_monkey]

that's just a tiny bit more angry than one of my complaint letters to Telewest (practically the same as NTL...) Only I had a little help for my other half (who happens to be a lwyer) in tidying up my letter, making it much more to the point and rather more officially threatening. Still, after 18 months of fighting they eventually agreed that I did not in fact owe them £160 and that I had indeed requested my account cancelled and that they would write of the actual outstanding amount of £4.12 "in good faith".

What I wrote was not quite as entertaining as that letter, but I believe it was rather more legally threatening :devil:

I am staying as far from Telewest as I can. BT are indeed far far more efficient and helpful, ...although I don't pretend BT are terribly good in the first place. Ah well always good for a laugh!

[Vincentvega]

Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
 
lol classic :lmfao: