Earthquake in Essex

[Gone_Away]

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday 06th March 2003. Epicenter: Canvey Island, Essex.

 

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fockin mentoe", "innit" and "cont". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the

Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

 

Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Essex News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to Come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey.

 

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said " It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.

I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."

 

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

 

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewelry from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

 

HOW CAN YOU HELP

 

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for that unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

 

Fila or Burberry baseball caps,

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers),

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, chicken nuggets, McCain microwave chips, tomato ketchup, ice cream and bottles of Budweiser or melon-flavoured Bacardi Breezer.

 

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

Please do not send tents for shelter, unless they have a mock-Tudor frontage and mounting for Sky-dish.

[sheepy]

it may b that im pissd by it broght a grin 2 my face

[albert]

I know folk from Canvey, very accurate description of the place.  :lol:  

[Doorman]

I may be pissed but I laughed like a drain! Mock Tudor fronted tents! :rofl:  Burberry baseball caps!  :rofl:  TRDMF!

[Dingo]

Well I for one was deeply offended and shocked at the stereotypical images portrayed of the gentle folk of Essex............living near the Epicentre of Cultural Development (that'll be 'Ackney to you lot then!!) the story was deeply hurtful and ought to be worth at least a million quid in damages!! :wink: .....God only knows what you'll come up with next!!!.....some imagined story of Kosovan Refugees being able to buy their Council house within two years of being in the country and selling it at a £90,000 profit no doubt!!  :twisted:  :wink:


I however have a different slant on this story??....................

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday 06th March 2003. Epicenter: Mudeford, Dorset.
 

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "good heavens, one is lost for words", "whatever happened to the Empire" and "I hope the teaset Aunty Maud's gave us is still intact". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 trillion worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the cellars of Dom Perignon and Chateau Latour were lost and three areas of historic Tea-shops were said to have noticed a decline in the economic output of the area

 
Many locals were woken well before their maid arrived. Christchurch News (who's ever heard of Mudeford anyway!!) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to Come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the South of England.
 

One resident - Victoria Hervey Poshgit, a 35-year-old (well the plastic is only that old) mother of 2.5 children said " It was such a shock, my little Emily s came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two: James  and Penelope slept through it all.

I was still shaking when I was watching Business News the next morning."

 
Apparently though, cake baking, crochet and Sunday Mass carried on as usual.
 

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Chateau Lafitte 1978 to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Rolex watches, Barbour Jackets and Van Gogh paintings.
 


HOW CAN YOU HELP

 
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for that unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

 

Fedora's or Tophats,

D & G tracksuits(his and hers),

Stella McCartney slacks (female)

White polo socks

Timberland boots or any other high priced branded name you can think of.



Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include Russian Caviar, Chateau Y'quem 1976, Balsamic Vinegar and Canapes.
 

£50.00  buys a Gold Parker pen for filling in the Insurance compensation forms, £100.00 buys sauted potatoes, Lemoned Veal and a Haut Brion 1978, £200.00 will pay for a Box of Cuban cigars and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

Please do not send stately homes for shelter, unless they have an established serving staff, indoor swimming pool and croquet and tennis facilities included.



ps I was born in Barton-on-Sea and one's relatives still reside in the leafy calm of Bournemouth.......where the bars still shut at 11pm and you can't get a Pizza after 12pm!! :evil: ....................now there's a place where the rest of the World has reachedl!! :x  :twisted:

[Stryker]

ROFL to both