Some new jokes

[Phog]

The Amish Hand Warmer

>An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
>blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
>
>The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm
>them up.
>" The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
>The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands
>are freezing cold."
>The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
>warm them up.
>" He did and warmed his hands.
>The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
>He said, "My nose is cold."
>The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it
>up."
>He did and warmed his nose.
>The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
>"My penis is frozen solid."
>The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and
>she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
>Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
>The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't
>they "?




>ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
>A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
>her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
>the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
>amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
>to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what
>he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like
>this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition
> She sat under a sweets sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming,'
>and I grinned.
>Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce
>the swelling,' and I had to smile.
>Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big
>Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
>BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
>said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident,'...I just lost it
>"
>"CASE DISMISSED!!"



>3 Wishes
>A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She
>went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
>The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
>three wishes."
>The woman freed the frog and then the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
>to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for
> your husband will get ten times more or better!"
>The woman said, "That would be okay."
>For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world
>
>The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
>husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will
>flock to."
>The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful
>woman and he will only have eyes for me." So.......-she's the most
>beautiful woman in the world.
>For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
>The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world,
>and he will be ten times richer than you."
>The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's
>his is mine." So.......-she's the richest woman in the world!
>The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a
>mild heart attack."
>Women are clever. Don't mess with them................yeah woteva!!

[Bunce]

brialliant  :lol:

[Pure]

Nice one  :lmfao:

[DuVeL]

Old 1, just found it again:

One day, in line at the company restaurant, Jack says to Mike behind

him, "My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." Mike

replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner Chemist. Just

give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong

and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten

pounds... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."



So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the

chemist. He deposits ten pounds and the computer lights up and asks

for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis

elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will

improve in two weeks.



That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some

tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife

and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into

the mixture for good measure.



Jack hurries back to the chemist, eager to check the results. He

deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the

results. The computer prints the following:

-----------------------------------------------------------------

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit, and is pregnant. Get her in to rehab.

4. Your wife is also pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.

5. Your Volvo needs a new Cam belt, and the head gasket has gone.

6. And by the way, if you don't stop w@nking, your elbow will never get better!

[Phog]

:lmfao:  :lmfao: Fantastic. That one has been added to my all time favourites list!

[Devian_Game]

yeah , good one

[MAD_ness]

:lmfao:


nice one ...


not heard that one before ....


 

[DarkAngel]

Nice very nice  :lmfao: