THE RULES (According to women)

[Gandalf]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:  Make the woman happy.

     Do something she likes, and you get points.
     Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
     You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
     Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

     Here is a guide to the points system:


     SIMPLE DUTIES

     You make the bed..............................................+1
     You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
     You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
     You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
     You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
     When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
     When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
     You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
     in the snow...................................................+8
     but return with beer..........................................-5
     and no liners.................................................-25
     You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
     You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
     You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
     You pummel it with a six iron.................................+10
     It's her cat..................................................-40

     AT THE PARTY

     You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
     You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
     work colleague................................................-2
     Named Tiffany.................................................-4
     Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-10
     With breast implants..........................................-18

     HER BIRTHDAY

     You remember her birthday..................................... 0
     You buy a card and flowers.................................... 0
     You take her out to dinner.................................... 0
     You take her out to dinner and it's not a pub.................+1
     Okay, it is a pub.............................................-2
     And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3
     It's a pub, and it's all-you-can-eat night....................-10

     A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

     Go with a mate................................................ 0
     The mate is happily married...................................+1
     The mate is single............................................-7
     Not for long - it's his buck's night..........................-10
     He has a liking for Kings Cross establishments................-50

     A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

     You take her to a movie.......................................+2
     You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4
     You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6
     You take her to a movie you like..............................-2
     It's called Death Cop III.....................................-3
     Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9
     You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.........-15

     YOUR PHYSIQUE

     You develop a noticeable beer gut..............................-15
     You develop a noticeable beer gut & exercise to get rid of it..+10
     You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans
     and baggy Hawaiian shirts......................................-30
     You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...............-800

     THE BIG QUESTION

     She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
     You hesitate in responding...................................-10
     You reply, "Where?"..........................................-35
     You reply, "No, I think it's your TANGO"......................-100
     Any other response...........................................-20

     COMMUNICATION

     When she wants to talk about a problem:
     You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................0
     You listen, for over 30 minutes................................+5
     You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.......+50
     You're mind wanders to the cricket and you suddenly hear her
     saying "well, what do you think I should do?".................-100
     You have fallen asleep........................................-200

     ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......

     You talk......................................................-100
     You don't talk................................................-150
     You spend time with her.......................................-200
      You don't spend time with her................................-500
     You are seen to be enjoying yours..........GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!

[sheepy]

You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans
     and baggy Hawaiian shirts......................................-30
     

dammit, im sodded[/quote]