more irish jokes...

[suicidal_monkey]

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club. One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening:

"Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's to the best years o'me life, spent in Church wi' me wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with her husband. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Paddy Irishman was shipwrecked on a desert island. Unconscious for hours, he lay face down in the sandy beach, and was found

in this condition by a tribe of cannibals. When he awoke, he found himself tied up in a great big cauldron, full to the brim with water, vegetables, and loads of lovely herbs and spices floating all around.

As he came to his senses, the chief cannibal grabbed him by the hair and shook him violently saying, 'ye see this spear, well I'm gonna ram this into your neck, an' kill ye, and then we're gonna eat ya'. (The chief was originally from Dublin, but had emigrated years earlier)

Paddy said nothing, and then the chief took several paces back, faced Paddy, and started to run at him with the spear out before him. As he reached Paddy, he noticed that Paddy was laughing, stopped, and said to him, 'Do you realise what I just said to you'?

At which Paddy was in stitches, spilling water from the cauldron onto the sand. 'I'm gonna ram this spear into your neck and you're gonna die, an we're gonna melt you down and eat you.'

So, again the chief took a run at Paddy, and again stopped a few inches short. 'Are you thick or sometin', what are you laughin' at? Do you not realise that you're gonna die?

Again the chief took another run at Paddy and stopped short again. 'Is there something funny about this, that I don't see?'

'Yeah', says Paddy, 'every time you run at me with that spear, I keep shittin in the pot'.

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A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At McDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink. Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two, "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

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Paddy the 'Irishman' died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope,it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over" The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,

"No, it ain't Paddy"

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say........ "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Irishman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firework and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

 

 

"1"

 

 

"2"

 

 

"3"

 

 

"4"

 

 

"5"

 

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in certain parts of Wales, the far North of Scotland, the West Midlands (especially Dudley) and all of France.

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