Piss-poor jokes only in here

[OldBloke]

SKY have just won the rights to screen the World Origami Championships from Tokyo.

Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.....

...ITV Digital did have the rights, but they folded.


Beat that. :lol:

[Stryker]

Beat that. :lol:

Ok, I challenge you with this very very funny crank call mp3.  Its more funny than a very funny thing that has just graduated from the univeristy of laughter.

ftp://ftp.crosswired.co.uk/Impoundlotblues.mp3

[OldBloke]

You failed miserably.

That is soooooo funny how can it possibly be worse than mine?

[Squonk]

Beat that. :lol:

There are 2 wise men and another one who wanted to become one also. One of the wise men became hungry and the closest store was across a lake he said, "I'll just take the short way." he says a little prayer then walks across the water to the store. When he came back another one of the wise men became thirsty so he said a little prayer then walked across the water too get a pop. When he returned the guy who wanted to become a wiseman had to go to the bathroom. He said a little prayer then tried to walk across the water and drowned then one wiseman said to the other, "think we should have told him where the rocks were?"



well did i?

[Squonk]

Beat that. :lol:

OR how about this one :lol:

Q:What did the judge say when the skunk entered the courtroom?

A:Odor in the court!!!


 :?:

[DogMeat]

Q:  What travels at 120mph across the lake bed?
A:  A motor-pike.

Q:  What travels at 85mph across the lake bed?
A:  A motor-pike with side-carp.

Eyethangyew.

[Stryker]

Yep, Dogmeat wins the crap joke award :-)

[FatBob]

Q: How many men does it take to open a can of lager ?















A:None, the bitch should've opened it on the way

Apologies to offended parties but i saw it on a t-shirt in cornwall and i nearly spat me pasty all over it.

[smite]

I like the comment of "Nearly"  :twisted:

[Anonymous]

What is white and stands in a corner?



A naughty ambulance  :lol:

[OldBloke]

> A farmer goes out into his field one morning only to find all his cows
> frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
>
> It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would
> happen. The severity of the situation then dawned on him. With his
> entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his
> wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his
> hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
> Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old
> lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
> predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and
> began
> to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch
> and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
> One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full
>
> of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she
> wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off
> across the field.
> A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
> "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
> "No," said the farmer.
> "That was,....... Thora Hird," replied the passer-by.
>
.

[Stryker]

old now holds the accolade,

thanks for wasting a min of my life reading that  :lol:

[OldBloke]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men
say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly, "In this country we don`t talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin` abouta sexa? I`m a justa tellin` my frienda how to spella `Mississippi`."

[Stryker]

ROFL, thats quite good.

[DogMeat]

Stan the shark is swimming down Barrier Reef Street when a gang of lobsters jump out of an alley and wrestle hime to the sea bed.  "Charlie da Crab sez youse owe him!" says the lobster gang leader, "Youse got one hour and then we gotta make some shark fin soup...".  The lobsters let Stan up and he swims off down the street.

Half an hour later Stan sneaks into the King Neptune Memorial Hospital, steals a doctor's coat and heads for intensive care.  Stealthily swimming from room to room, Stan finally sees what he's looking for and after a brief struggle, stuff his hapless victim into a sack concealed beneath his coat and slips out of the hospital.

With barely two minutes left before the deadline, Stan swims into Charlie's Diner and finds Charlie da Crab sitting in the back room, playing pool.

Stan lifts the sack onto the pool table, loosens the rope around the neck and empties the contents for Charlie's inspection.  Lying there coughing and weakly struggling on the pool table, five tentacles in plaster casts and an IV drip still trailing from one another, lies the infamous supergrass, Colin "Squealer" Calamaris.

"Here ya go Charlie," says Stan, "there's the sick squid I owe ya, ya shellfish bastard..."