Piss-poor jokes only in here

[Rad_Man]

Very good stryker with call in about the shit....that was class

[OldBloke]

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies,

"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying.

"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm
married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Fancy Dress party, and my name is Kevin."

[MisterEggs]

Dogger's squidery shennagins reminds me of this variant:

A man and his wife go to a seafood resturant for their anniversary. They sit down and up comes the waiter. "Ello, My name is Chevais and i am your waiter for this evening.."

After a quick perusal of the menu they decide to go for the squid. The waiter takes their order and brings them the tank containing the squids and asks them to choose the one they'd like.

Lolling about at the back is a green one that despite it's colour looks delicious, but strangley has a hare-lip. Man points at the squid and tells the waiter they'd like that one. Okey dokey pig inna pokey he says, and carts it off to the kitchen.

Once in the kitchen the chef pulls the chosen squid out and is about to kill it when a tear rolls down from the squid's eye. He tries again and raises the knife but again a tear appears.

"Chevais, please come and kill this squid" says chef. Chevais grabs the knife and is about to kill it, but suddenly sees a tear roll from the squid's eye all the way down to it's hare-lip. He can't do it.

"Hans!" he says, calling over the hard-looking german dishwasher, "kill this squid for the chef please, i just can't do it"

Hans roughly picks up the squid and is about to kill it, but once more a tear drops from the squid. He puts it down and joins Chevais sobbing in the corner.

As no-one can bring themselves to kill it, the chef has to go and inform the couple who ordered it.

"So sorry" he says "but you cannot have the squid"
"Why not?" ask the couple.

He says "Because Hans that do dishes, is as soft as Chevais, with mild green harey-lipped squid"




Taxi!!

[Anonymous]

That taxi better get there fast. That was trooly awful!

[MisterEggs]

That taxi better get there fast. That was trooly awful!

i hope so too   It is quite possibly the worst joke i know. Just remembered another, which might not qualify as quite as piss poor as the previous, but it does hold a special place in my heart for it's veracity:

This bloke dies, he's been a pillar of the community, done good and great things, given generously whenever he could and generally been a thoroughly good and lovely person for all of his life.

Gets up to Heaven and Peter welcomes him and says "Ah, good to see you my friend. Please come with me, God wants to meet you and congratulate you on leading such a commendable existence. So off they trundle off to God's office to meet the Big Man.

"What a delight it is to meet you. You have lived a truly righteous life" says God, "I want to offer you something as a token of my appreciation. You can ask for anything, except your mortal existence, in Heaven or on Earth and I, with all me godly powers, shall grant it".

"How nice" says bloke, "Anything?" he asks.
"Anything" says God.
Bloke thinks for a bit and then says "Well, i've always wanted to see a great big bridge built, all the way from Ireland to the USA"

God shuffles uncomfortably and is a little disappointed that out of anything he could have the bloke chooses a TANGOing bridge.

"Umm, isn't there anything a little more spiritual you can think of, something for the good of Mankind for instance, perhaps?" asks God

"Oh, right, right, ok" says bloke, and thinks a bit harder. Not long after his face brightens and he says "i've got it!"
"Shoot" says God
"I would dearly love to be able to really understand women, to know what really goes on inside their heads."

God frowns, ponders for a second and then says "So, what colour do want this bridge then....?"

[Benny]

Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party
 of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
 
 The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"
 
 "F*%$ the kids!" said the minister, heading out.
 
 "Do you think we have time?" said the priest.

[MAD_ness]

ROFL Benny .......ooops does this make me sound kinda sick ??

[Benny]

A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the Barman.

"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by the
railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her
back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top
sometimes, her on top!"

"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"I dunno" replied the bloke, "I never found her head."

[Doorman]

ROFL That one's going to all my mate.

[Gandalf]

ROFL That one's going to all my mate.

Still only one? We must do something about that  :lol:

[Anonymous]

ROFL That one's going to all my mate.

Very good Doorman but this forum is for crap jokes only :-)

[Benny]

Crap jokes eh, ok, howabout

Jeremy Beadle has an unusually small d1ck, but on the other hand it's quite
big.

or

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the
bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in
dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does
and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge
and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."

 
============ PART TWO ===================

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and
he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of
the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is
carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the
edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the
gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until
there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat freefall
parrotshooting nider."

 
========= PART THREE ==================

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has
been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself off the cliff with the usual result.
 
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you fockin
hengliding"

[OldBloke]

:lol:  Brightened up my day nicely. Thanks.

[DogMeat]

Benny, you're posting those in the wrong forum - this one is for crap jokes...

Q:  Why can't you get any aspirin in the jungle?

A:  'Cause the parrots eat 'em all...

 :roll:

[Stryker]

now that is crap doggers..... I dont even get it.... the joke that is.

better ask doorman and his mate :-)