Piss-poor jokes only in here

Doorman · November 11, 2002, 04:08:03 PM

Nah, we don't get it either.

Benny · November 11, 2002, 04:38:30 PM

sorry sorry sorry

ok...

What do you call a monkey with a stick of dynamite up it's TANGO?

Baboom?

is that better?

Doorman · November 11, 2002, 05:52:46 PM

Not a lot. But don't let that stop you.

DogMeat · November 11, 2002, 07:50:29 PM

QuoteNah, we don't get it either.

Paracetamol. Parrots eat 'em all.

/

:roll: :stupid:

smite · November 11, 2002, 08:10:55 PM

Yep you win hands down that was definetly SHIT!!

Doorman · November 11, 2002, 08:40:39 PM

Quote
QuoteNah, we don't get it either.

Paracetamol. Parrots eat 'em all.

/

:roll: :stupid:[/b]

He didn't say bloody paracetemol, he said ASPIRIN. :roll: :roll:

|:

Benny · November 12, 2002, 09:46:32 AM

tum ti tum, next...

A man is wandering through the desert. He hasn't had any water for days
and is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he comes across three market
stalls set up in the desert.

He crawls up to the first one. "Water, water! Give me water!" he cries.
"I'm sorry," says the first stall holder, "I sell nothing but custard."

The man crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water!Give me water!" he
cries.
"I'm sorry," says the second stall holder, "I sell nothing but cream
and sponge."

The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water! Give me water!" he
cries.
"I'm sorry," says the third stall holder, "I sell nothing but hundreds
and thousands."
"I can't believe none of you has any water," says the man.
"I know," says the third stall holder, "it is a trifle bazaar..."

Doorman · November 12, 2002, 12:38:03 PM

Benny, Benny, :cry:

Stryker · November 12, 2002, 12:45:17 PM

LOL that was far to funny for this THREAD.... got to the corner and face the wall! :lol:

Benny · November 12, 2002, 01:52:35 PM

OK, so I get a lot of crap through my mail during the day, and I'm not busy at the mo' so...I'm gonna do one piss poor joke, then an alright one...christ I'm bored.....when are you going to ban me from this forum?

Quote
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon etc.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant,
and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try
artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what
this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet
how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead,
lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has
sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning he wakes
and looks out at the pigs.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first
try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to
the woods, does each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes
to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing
around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in
the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is
honking the horn."

Quote
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be
her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous. They all sit
down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets
out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the
poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's
father looked over at the dog which had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"

A few minutes later, the woman had to let another one rip. This time, she
didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle
blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her before she sh*ts on you!"

Doorman · November 12, 2002, 03:35:58 PM

Better, much better.

Doorman · November 13, 2002, 12:26:04 AM

While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (I.e., 20mph over the limit),
I passed over a bridge only to find a copper with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all knowand love, asked,"What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work.""Oh yeah," said the copper, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The copper was staggered,"A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?""Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied,

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

Traffic Ticket: Â£95.00
Court Costs: Â£45.00
The Look on that Copper's Face: PRICELESS!!!

OldBloke · November 14, 2002, 08:58:08 AM

What's Important To Men ....

1- It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2- It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3- It is important to find a woman that enjoys having sex.

4- It is important that these three women never meet.

Benny · November 14, 2002, 11:16:14 AM

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the
Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf",says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...

"Will you TANGO off, I'm trying to take a shit!"

Dr Sadako · November 14, 2002, 11:26:50 AM

QuoteLittle Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the
Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf",says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...

"Will you TANGO off, I'm trying to take a shit!"

:lol: ROTFLMAO ... :thumbsup: