Piss-poor jokes only in here

[OldBloke]

Tried to call the wife the other day from a phone box but put my Donor Card in instead of my phone card.


Fkin call cost me an arm and a leg.  :lol:

[TeaLeaf]

Measured about a 7.5 on the Snigger-ometer  

TL.  

[Benny]

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He
 said "Eurostar?".
 I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

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 So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
 splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
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 But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
 myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
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 Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a
 couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a
 fire at the factory that makes them.
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 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
 Weggie Kray.
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 So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
 "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
 closest".
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 You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I
 go out the night
 before and shoot the fox.
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 The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I
 rang her up, I  said "Do you get my drift?".
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 So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make
 a complaint,  this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
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 So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to
 me with a red
 rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said
 "Waiter, I asked for  a-ROMATIC duck".
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 Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of
 Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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 So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk
 about cleaning   your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
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 So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a
 nuisance caller",
 he said "Not you again".
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 So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
 tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He
 said "You remind  me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
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 Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for
 example Goran,  even he's a witch.
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 And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
 bisatchel.
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 So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
 thought "That's a turtle disaster"

[sheepy]

so thats a cut n paste job there hugh benny

[Benny]

A man walked into a Doctors office. He had a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
The doctor looked at him and said, "You're not eating properly."

[sheepy]

omg they juts keep on comming

[FBG]

Two Palestinian girls are walking down a street in Jerusalem wearing their flowing robes. One turns to the other and says 'Does my bomb look big in this?


Princess Di sees the Queen mother walking in through the gates of heaven and says "You took your time".  To which the Queen Mum replies "Shut up and wipe that merc off your face."

[FBG]

There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit.
In Tillit is a pub called "The Cockwell Inn".
The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes.
 

Her address is:-
Miss Lucy Likes
The Cockwell Inn
Tillit
Herts.

[TeaLeaf]

Two Palestinian girls are walking down a street in Jerusalem wearing their flowing robes. One turns to the other and says 'Does my bomb look big in this?

ROTFLMAO !!   :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Now THAT was funny!

TL.  

[smilodon]

Seriously one of the least funny jokes I have ever heard. Told to me in the pub this lunchtime. Apologies in advance............

After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate.

He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds a suitable establishment.

After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman.

'£100' she replies

'I can't afford that, I only have 50p'

'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p'

'But please help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years.... I need a woman... any woman!'

The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself.

'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the hallway.'

Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23.

He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc.

'How do you want me luv?'

'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!'

When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs.

'Yuck, I ain't doing that'

'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies

'Ok' says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours.

'Oh my god... you have shit all over your TANGO.. that's sick'

'Well there is one more way we can do this.'

'Is there?' he asks

'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your dick in there... go on!'

He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard.

Minutes later he orgasms violently.

'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?'

'Great... when will you be in town next?'

'In about 2-3 years time!'

'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!'

[smilodon]

My joke was so bad I killed the thread  

[Tufty]

oh no did you hear about the two ships that crashed?
the red ship and the blue ship! the crew were marooned!



oh my...

[sheepy]

how could u
thats terrible

[Tufty]

well you wanted piss-poor

[smilodon]

I though my offering was aweful but mine pail into insignificance compaired to that one.  :wink: