Piss-poor jokes only in here

[Gh0st Face Killah]

wdycam


......in a paper bag? Russell

there are more but I'm having a blank moment and can't think of any. its probably the horror of how bad the jokes in here are has caused my brain to shut down! :cry:

Needless to say the more choice ones will be inflicted on my work mates, I see no reason that I should suffer alone!! :twisted:

[smilodon]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about
famous composers starring top movie stars.

Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger
were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of
these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever
composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play
him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd
like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."  Then,
looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says "I'll be Bach."

[smilodon]

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears
a.......

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards him,

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the coffin bouncing
quickly behind him...

faster...

faster...

faster...

BUMP...

BUMP....

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him...

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin
clapping
...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man.... .

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps...

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something , anything ... his hand
comes to rest on a large bottle of Benelyn

Desperate, he throws the Benelyn as hard as he can at the apparition.......

and ...........

Finally ...........

.......................the coffin stops

[sheepy]

that is truley auful

[Gh0st Face Killah]

This is bad

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when
suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out 'Oh big boy,
whip me, whip me!' The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he
opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the
girl  until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.


About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks 'Did you get these marks
having sex?' The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she
did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, 'I thought so, because in
all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease
that  I've ever seen.'

[Tufty]

a fantastic selection of bad jokes can be found here:

http://www.dullmen.com/dumb.htm


the best has to be  

Q: how many dull men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: one

[OldBloke]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. What are you
going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up
there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the
gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage
in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the
homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

[Stryker]

ROFL Oldie

[MAD_ness]

:lol:  :lol:

nice one oldie ........

one to use at the pub methinks !

[Benny]

A woman walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says.

"Come again?" says the assistant, cupping his ear.

"No," she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

[sheepy]

100 replays 2 this post now!

ps thast bad

[Jamoe]

with all the **** jokes I've been posting I came across this ancient thread and felt it was worth bringing back to life

Some crackers in here :roflmao:

[Luminance]

A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the Barman.

"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I live by the
railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her
back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, all over the house. We did every thing, me on top
sometimes, her on top!"

"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"I dunno" replied the bloke, "I never found her head."

That must be the twisted most sickest and baddest joke EVER!!!
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now you fockin
hengliding"

Thats a excellent joke, why is it in this topic? :S

edit: Seems to me Benny is the king of bad jokes, since he postet the most worst jokes to this thread

took me about 40 mins to read em all, but it was worth it

[Luminance]

Now that bennie has been made king of the bad jokes, i wanna see if i can outclass him with my jokes:

First of, a true story of a young college girl who passed away last month.

Her name was Priya. She was hit by a lorry. She has a boy friend named Shankar.
Both of them are true lovers. They always hang on the phone. You can never see her without her handphone. In fact she also changed her phone from Airtel to Hutch, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost.
 She spends half of the day talking with shankar. Priya’s family knows about
their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya’s family. (just imagine
their love) . Before she passed away she always told her friends “If I pass
away please burn me with my handphone” she also said the same thing to her parents.
 After her death, people cant carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them
tried to do so but still cant , everybody including me, had tried to carry
the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called their
neighbour, a “bomoh” from Thailand (pak Darin), who is a friend of her
father. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few
minutes, he said “this girl misses something here”. then her friends told
Darin about her intentions to burn her with her phone. He then opened the
coffin and place her phone and SIM card inside the casket. after that they
tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the
van easily. All of us were shocked. (can u feel the fear. I’m shaking at
this moment)
 Priya’s parents did not inform Shankar that Priya had passed away. After 2
weeks Shankar called Priya’s mom. Shankar :….”Atte, I’m coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Dont tell Priya that I’m coming home today, i wanna surprise her.” Her mother replied…..”You come home first, i wanna tell you something very important.” after he came, they told him the truth about Priya.
 Shankar thinks that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said “dont try to fool me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her Please stop this nonsense”. then they show him the original death certificate to him.
They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat) ..
 He said… “Its not true. we spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Shankar
was shaking. Suddenly, Shankar’s phone rang. “see this is from Priya, see
this…” he showed the phone to priya’s family. all of them told him to
answer.he talked using the loudspeaker mode. all of them heard his
conversation.
 Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It is the actual voice of Priya
& there is no way others could use her SIM card since it is nailed inside
the coffin they were so shocked and asked for pak Darin’s help again. pak
Darin brought his master (tok Chen) to solve this matter. He & Darin worked
for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing…







 HUTCH has the best coverage
 Wherever you go, our network follows!!!!

and as desert some horrificly bad Yo mamma jokes:

 Yo Mamma is so poor:
 

… she can't afford to pay attention!
  … when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
  … her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
  … she drives a peanut.
  … when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
  …  she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
  … she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
  … she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
  … your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
  … when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"

[Thulsa Doom]

That 1st one is the worst I've ever heard, and I've posted one or two stinkers:crying: